I am Broken
by BeethovenRIP
Summary: This fic is a sequel to 'Violation' and is told from Dixie's POV. I have chosen to share my story with you through Dixie as she talks about getting back on track after her attack. It is a personal account as I wanted to share my experiences. This fic follows Jeff and Dixie as they start again in the wake of Karl and his attack on her, what new obstacles will the couple face?
1. Prologue

A / N – This is a sequel to 'Violation' told from Dixie's POV. I wasn't going to start another fic, but the writing demons wouldn't go away. This Fic is based on personal experience and feelings regarding infertility and a journey to be a mum, but, I have chosen to tell my story through Dixie as she talks about how she gets back on track with Jeff's support. Sorry that this Introduction is short. If it is similar to anyone else's story or future story plans, please tell me and I will remove it. As with 'Violation', Dixie's thoughts are in Bold and Italics.

_**It isn't every day you receive news that will change your life. As a woman, you think your future is mapped out for you. You find a man, fall in love, get married and have children. By doing these things you have fulfilled your duties as a woman and are socially accepted in the baby club. If you dare break the norm, you are out casted, deemed strange and questioned to the nth degree. Suddenly your private life becomes everyone's business, 'why aren't you having children? Don't you want them?' Saying that to an infertile woman is the most heartless thing anyone can say. After a while, the lies just toll off the tongue, 'no, not yet, but we hope to soon' seems to be the standard reply. It seems better than standing in the middle of the shopping centre where you have invariably met someone you haven't seen in years saying, 'no, I am infertile, I can't have children.' Bit of a conversation killer. **_

_**Jeff has been great through all this, I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I know we never married for love, but things change. He went through hell when Karl attacked me, I don't blame Jeff for the death of our boys, he did what he thought was best. We didn't know then how that would affect us in having our own family, I guess we naively thought everything would be fine. **_

_**We did try again for a baby, but, when I didn't fall pregnant after a year, we went to find out why. Jeff's fertility tests came back as normal, I knew that they would. Deep down we both knew the problem lay with me, we just didn't want to admit it. **_

_**I had test after test, scan after scan but it was no use. My periods were irregular and nothing was working. I was broken. I am broken. I have all the bits to make a baby, but they don't work. I can't describe it any other way, my body is broken, I can never carry my own child. **_

_**I can remember the doctors telling us that I had a slim chance of getting pregnant again and an even smaller chance of going full term, it was and still is heart-breaking. I feel I have failed in my duties as a woman, failed as a wife to Jeff, I don't feel like I am a woman at all. **_

_**I often told Jeff he was better off without me that he should divorce me and find someone else that had a better body and could give him the family he craves for so badly. Each and every time I say this, he holds me close and tells me he loves me, that he would never leave me. He has remained true to his word, but, I know it is killing him inside. He has John and Sophia, not that we really see them, but it isn't the same for me. My life's ambition is to be a mother, why is it so hard I look at teenagers, the people who appear on Jeremy Kyle wanting DNA tests and think it is so cruel that they can have children but I can't. **_

_**Why am I being punished? What did I do wrong? **_

_**We often joked that if I hadn't fallen pregnant by the time I was 40 we would look into adoption, we often joked about it but would hold out hope month after month, year after year that I would get pregnant, Each time it didn't happen, I felt less of a woman, less of a wife. **_

_**This story is mine to tell you. I am Kathleen Louise 'Dixie' Collier and this is my story of what Jeff and I have gone through to have a family. This is our adoption story, was it all worth it? **_

_**If you will let me, I will start from our wedding anniversary, the year after I was raped, the year we agreed to start again. In some ways, this journey has been more emotionally draining that what we went through before, we didn't know it would be this hard on us. **_

_**Let me tell you how our lives changed since my attack, how Jeff and I have moved on, how we worked hard to have a family and how we coped knowing I am infertile. Get the tissues ready, you may need them as you tag along the journey with them. I know I am broken and I cannot be fixed, my life is in someone elses hands, until you have been there, you will never understand what it is like. **_


	2. Chapter One

A /N – thank you for all the reviews, follows and favourites to this fic, I enjoyed reading them all. I hope you enjoy this chapter; Dixie has gone back in time a little in this chapter. If you have time, please read and review it.

_**I never married Jeff for love, well, I guess I did, but it was more platonic love than anything. I care deeply about him; I still do no matter what we go through, I always want to know that he is alright with everything and that he is happy to still be with me. When you realise that you are infertile, you think that your man is going to leave you and find an actual proper woman who can bear children, I didn't want to lose Jeff, but, wouldn't have blamed him if he went elsewhere. I am so glad that he didn't. **_

_**March 27**__**th**__**2013 – our actual wedding, seems a distant memory really and was all for show when you think about it. I was a lesbian and married Jeff to please my dad, it all came back to bite me on the behind though, but, I like to think that I have made my father happy now. I never thought I would stay married to Jeff, but, it does work. I always thought that we would divorce after a year and he would move out, but, we just have never got round to it. I don't want to divorce Jeff; there was a time when I thought he was going to leave me. We had a new member of staff start at Holby who Jeff rather liked; I was scared he would leave me for her. We went out on a shout and I got myself into a bit of bother, I went into a burning garage to save some old bloke and got a right old telling off from Jeff. I saw the love and concern he had for me in his eyes that day and broke down there and then. **_

'Why did you do it Dix, you could have died in there?'

'But I didn't and neither did the old man.'

'We have procedures to follow Dix, you remind me of that all the sodding time, wait for the fire brigade and then we go in.'

'Yeah and find a dead man, you said I had lost my mojo.'

'You know what I meant by that, why are you turning it all back on me?'

'Jeff, I don't know what your problem is.'

'Really? Dix, we are married, I am your husband and I don't want to see you get hurt. Don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?'

'We may be married Jeffrey, but, only on paper.'

'What on earth do you mean by that?'

Dixie could feel her eyes welling up as she looked away from Jeff. She knew he was right, it was a stupid thing to have done, and she knew he cared for her.

Jeff stood up from the Ambulance to walk over to Dixie who had stormed off to sit in the peace garden, slowly he sat down next to her and watched her as she fiddled with her bandages looking down to the floor.

'Dix, what is going on?' He asked softly.

'Do you care about me Jeff?'

'You know I do.'

'But you are ashamed of me aren't you?'

'No, babe, I am not ashamed of you. Why do you think that?'

'You just always seem to be with the others and that new doctor rather than with me. I know we are not a conventional married couple Jeff, but, I still want to be held every now and again and have someone to love me.'

Jeff didn't know what to say to his best friend, he placed his arm around her shoulder and pulled her tight to his side.

'Dixie Collier, I love you and will hold you whenever you want me to. I will spend time with you as long as you promise me not to put yourself in a dangerous position again just to get my attention.'

Dixie nodded into Jeff's shoulder as she felt his other arm wrap around her body pulling her in tighter to his body. Dixie didn't know why she had become so sentimental or threatened, but, she had. She loved Jeff and didn't want to let him go.

_**I was stupid to do what I did, I don't know what I chose that to get his attention, but, I had it and he remained true to his word. We would often just hold each other when we needed to and cuddle up on the sofa in front of the TV at the end of a shift, it was nice to be close to him, to be close to someone. He buys me a present and card every year for our anniversary, I never bothered getting him one, but, every year, without fail, there he would be, card and present in hand. I don't know what happened on that day, when you look back on it, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. **_

_**Jeff and I had always had a separate bedroom that was the only thing we never shared. We would often sit in each other's rooms of a night talking and just generally enjoying each other's company, for two people that spend all day together, you would have thought we would relish the space, but, we didn't. I remember one night, Jeff had just received a letter from Lucy and enclosed were both Sophia's and Johns mobile phone bills along with a bill for music lessons and football kit. She was expecting Jeff to pay for it all. He brought the package into my bedroom one night, I was already under the covers reading a book, but, I let Jeff get in next to me, I sensed he needed some comfort. He lay next to me talking about how it wasn't fair, he never saw his children but was always expected to pick up the bill. We spoke for ages about how he was feeling and what he wanted to do. I knew he had fallen asleep when I stopped getting a response, I didn't have the heart to wake him and ask him to move, and so, I let him stay in my bed with me. I enjoyed having him there in the night; it was strange, but comforting at the same time. The following morning, he was mortified he had fallen asleep and apologised no end, I told him it didn't matter and I was fine with it. Looking back, I guess that was when it started, we made a habit of sharing a bed with each other to the point that we agreed to do it permanently. Before long, we were like any other couple, we dressed in front of each other, showered with the other in the room with us, the only thing we didn't do was kiss on the lips and make love. **_

_**When I woke up on our third anniversary, Jeff was nowhere to be seen. I walked out of our bedroom to be greeted by him in the hall way, he handed me the usual card and a gift. I was touched by his gift; he had gone to a lot of effort. He had bought a lovely large photo frame and had copies made of all my pictures, he had made them into a huge love heart collage in the middle. It was perfect, beautiful and so touching. It was then that I changed our relationship for ever. I don't know what came over me, but, I just threw my arms around him and kissed him. We ended up back in our bedroom, on our bed making love to one another. **_

_**I don't regret it, even though the events of the day made me question if I was being punished, I knew I didn't regret what I did with Jeff that morning. He made me feel special and loved as he made love to me, I wouldn't have traded it in for anything. **_

_**When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't describe how I was feeling. I should have been happy, but I wasn't, we didn't know who the father was and it marred the whole excitement for us. Jeff was determined to bring them up as our own no matter what the results of the paternity test were. I felt elated once I know they were Jeff's; we had our family at last. I had always wanted to be a mother, I remember starting my Paramedic training course and being asked what my life ambition was, I answered surely and positively, 'I want to be a mum.' I had now been given that chance thanks to my loving husband. **_

_**I gave him hell when we lost our children; it wasn't his fault it happened. He only did what he thought was right, if that was me making that choice, I don't know what I would have done. It took us a long time after that to get back to how we were before. We would still hold each other and share kisses, the love making came afterwards. **_

_**I took Jeff out for dinner on our fourth anniversary, after I had packed up the nursery and he had written down his diary, he deserved a good meal out and I was certain to give him one. We talked about lots of different things that night, children was just one of them. **_

'Dix?'

'Umm.'

'I know we have packed up the nursery and I know that since we lost the twins that the doctors reckon there isn't much chance of you getting pregnant again, but, do you want to try for our own family again?' Jeff asked as he pushed his rice around the bowl avoiding eye contact with his wife.

'Jeff, I don't think it is possible, you heard the doctor when we went to the hospital, I don't have a high chance anymore.'

'I know, but, I …. Oh, I dunno..'

'Go on love, say what you are thinking.' Dixie pressed Jeff on the matter moving her hand over to rest on top of his as he made eye contact with her.

'I know I have John and Sophia, but, I want to have a family with you. Come on Dix, let's try at least.'

'And when it doesn't work, what then Jeff? How long do we give it before we give in?'

Jeff shrugged his shoulders, he didn't know how to tell Dixie that he had been thinking about it for a long time, he can remember the faces of his twin boys so clearly, they had Dixie's eyes and nose, they looked the spitting image of her and he wanted desperately to see them again.

'Jeffrey, talk to me.'

'I can still remember them Dix, still see their faces every time I close my eyes, they looked so perfect, a spitting image of their beautiful mother. I am not going to lie to you Dixie, I want to be a dad again, and I want to do that with you.'

'We need to be honest Jeff, we need to face up to the fact that it may never happen.'

'What about Adoption?' Jeff whispered softly.

Dixie nearly spat her wine all over the table as Jeff said this, 'you what?'

'I have been thinking babe, we could give it another year or so, and if you haven't fallen pregnant by the time you are 40, we can look at adopting.'

'Hang on, are you saying you want to consider bringing up someone else's child?'

'I want to bring up a child with you babe, no one else, just you.'

_**It came out of nowhere really; I wasn't expecting him to say that. I knew he wanted more children, I saw his face when we saw our children for the first time; I see it in his eyes every day. I didn't want to disappoint him, I guess, I still really wanted to be a mum and if I could do that with Jeff as dad, then it really didn't matter. **_

_**The year was hard on us; we tried for our own child again. We even got inventive with our sex life to see if that would help us, but, month after month, it came to nothing. My periods were irregular since I lost the twins, so, planning for a child wasn't made easy I can tell you. Some months, I wouldn't have a period, I saw Jeff getting excited as he waited for the results of a pregnancy test, then I saw the disappointment in his eyes as it came back negative. I had let him down again. This went on for more than two years and my 40**__**th**__** was rapidly approaching. We knew trying for our own baby was going to be hard, but, didn't realise how hard it was going to be. **_

_**We went to the doctors and were referred back to the hospital. They ran the normal fertility test on Jeff, he had it easy, all he had to do was produce a sample. The first one came back a little bit on the low side, so he did another test and that was fine. The problem didn't lie with Jeff, it was with me. We both knew that was the case, we could have told them that rather than go through all of this. **_

_**I had blood tests for everything you could possibly think of and was eventually diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian syndrome or PCOS for short. Basically, it meant that I had a hormone imbalance which meant I wasn't ovulating and also meant that my periods were irregular. I was put on medication to try and deal with some of the symptoms, I had noticed I was gaining weight which was difficult to shift and I had more hair growing on my body than I should have done. The doctor thinks the miscarriage triggered something which brought the symptoms to the fore. I have a higher level of testosterone in my body than I should have, yet another nail in the coffin. I already feel like I am not a woman, this just confirmed it. **_

_**I continued to take the tablets, and go to the hospital for more tests and reviews, but, it was obvious I was not going to get pregnant. I had another test to see if my tubes were blocked, they were, but, the operation they did to unblock them wasn't a success, my womb and other bits were too badly damaged from the attack and miscarriage. It was official, I was broken. I cannot be fixed. I can never have my own children. I can never give Jeff the child with me he so desperately craves. I am not a woman and never will be in that sense. **_

_**I didn't want Jeff anywhere near me, I pushed him away when all he wanted to do was help me. We decided against any other fertility treatment, if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. I guess we still held out some hope that I would fall pregnant naturally again, but, it wasn't going to happen. I couldn't carry my own child; we were just going to have to accept it. **_

_**Now here we are, I am now 40, Jeff is 41 and still childless together. His comment is looking more like a reality now, if we still want a family, we are going to have to adopt. Suddenly I feel like I am missing out again, I have let him down, the person I love and care for so much, all he wants is a family and I cannot give him that. Imagine how I am feeling, knowing that the problem lies with me, that I have wrecked his life and dreams. It is not a good feeling to have and one which will never go away. **_


	3. Chapter Two

'I'm sorry Jeff.' Dixie said as she turned away from her husband. They had done to bed early that night, Jeff had tried hard to get Dixie in the mood for making love, but, nothing was working.

'It's OK Babe, if you are not in the mood, you are not in the mood, I am not going to force myself onto you.' Jeff said as he kissed Dixie's shoulder.

Dixie didn't reply to her husband as she got up out of bed and put her pyjamas back on. Jeff watched his wife dress herself once more before she climbed into bed turning off the light facing away from him.

'Dix, have I done something wrong?'

'No love, just go to sleep, night Jeff.'

Jeff felt defeated, the evening started out so promising, where had it done wrong? Slowly he turned onto his back looking up at the ceiling.

'Why don't you talk to me anymore Dix? Let me in please; tell me how you are feeling.'

Dixie didn't respond, she lay away from him looking out into the darkness feeling her eyes watering, she was shutting him out and it was killing him inside, but, not as much as it was killing her. How could she tell him? Jeff pressed a small kiss to her head before he settled down to sleep, he hated seeing her like this, what could he do to make her realise that it wasn't her fault?

_**That was how most of our nights ended. We would go to bed to make love, to keep trying for our family even though we knew the odds were stacked against us, but, I still held out some hope that the doctors would be wrong and I would fall pregnant. It still wasn't happening; it just became mechanical after a while, sex I mean. We wouldn't just make love to each other anymore like we did, before all of this, we didn't need an excuse to jump into bed with each other, but, when you are planning a baby, it becomes more of a chore than anything else. Before we started really trying for a baby, we would make love whenever we could, it was always passionate and loving, we were close to one another, but, it all changed when the baby conversation came up. I would try and track my cycle and work out my fertile days, then, we would just have sex for the pure purposes of making a baby, I wondered if there was any love involved in it. I would often lie on my back while Jeff moved not feeling any enjoyment or emotion at all as he made love to me; this whole thing was putting a strain on us, even more of a strain than Karl did. **_

_**It wasn't Jeff's fault, I was punishing him for something that wasn't his fault, he tried, my God he tried, but, I just didn't feel like I deserved him or his love anymore. I wasn't able to fall pregnant, the one thing you assume you can do, I couldn't and I had let him down. I guess I thought that if I starved him of affection, he would go and find it elsewhere with an actual woman, a proper woman. **_

_**It went on like this for a few weeks, I wouldn't hold his hand as we went out, I would shrug his arm off me when he put it around me in the pub with our friends from work, he would hug me, but I wouldn't hug him back, I could see the obvious concern and worry in his eyes, but, I had to remain strong, I was convinced he could do much better and that there was someone out there for him who could give him a child. That person wasn't me. **_

_**One day though, he had had enough, we had a bad day, three RTC's in quick succession and at all three there were fatalities, we lost two on the scene and one in the back of the ambulance. I was in the back working on them as Jeff drove, when I lost him, I just didn't know what to do. Jeff came looking for me, I was sat at the back of the ambulance station, we had a little garden there, I knew he wanted answers and he was determined to get them. **_

Dixie sat on the bench staring at the small water feature in front of her as it trickled slowly. The waters were somewhat calming, but, it was going to take more than that to calm her on the inside.

'There you are. I have been looking everywhere for you.' Jeff said as he sat next to her handing her a steaming mug of tea.

'Thanks.'

Jeff eyed his wife for a while as she took a sip of the tea continuing to look out in front of her. He went to put his arm around her again, but she shrugged it off.

'Why won't you let me hold you Dixie? What have I done?'

'Nothing Jeff, you haven't done anything.'

'So why are you being distant with me?'

Dixie shrugged her shoulders taking another sip of her tea.

'Dix, we have had a hard shift and it isn't over yet, please, let me hold you. I need to hold you.'

Dixie could hear the emotion in Jeff's voice, he was struggling and he needed holding as well, she wanted more than anything to collapse into his arms, but, she didn't know what to do. Dixie started crying as Jeff looked on.

'I don't want you to hold me Jeff, I don't deserve to be held or loved by you.'

'Dix, babe, that's nonsense, of course you do, why do you think that you don't.'

'Because I am not a woman, I can't give you what you want Jeff. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life with a baron woman who is putting on weight quicker than she can lose it, who has hair growing where she shouldn't and has to shave constantly. I am not a woman Jeff, I don't function as a woman, I can't even have a proper period anymore. You need to find yourself someone else and leave me alone.'

'No, no, no, Dix, why are you doing this to yourself?'

'Because I want you to be happy, I want you to find someone else, find someone who can bear the children you want, find a proper woman.'

'I have found my woman, she is sat right in front of me and I love her so very much. You are my world Dix, I am happy with you, trust me.'

'You are just saying that Jeff, why don't you go and sleep with that new doctor and get her pregnant, then you can divorce me and be with her.'

'But I don't want to be with her, I want to be with you. Why can't you see that I am in love with you and only want you.'

'What can you possibly love about me Jeffrey? I am a freak.'

'You are beautiful Dixie, I don't care about your weight, about the hair that is growing on your body, about your erratic monthlies, I care about you and only you. Dixie let me love you, please.'

_**I turned to face Jeff and saw the tears in his eyes, the tears that fell down his face and I knew he was genuine, I was being selfish, I was only thinking about me in this whole situation and not my Jeffrey. I was starving him of the love and affection we both needed, I was stupid, but, I needed his reassurance that he still loved me and wouldn't leave me for anyone else. We sat on the bench for ages after that, I let him hold me. **_

_**He gave me some privacy at home after this, he would let me use the bathroom in peace so I could shower, bath and get rid of the hair that seemed to be sprouting everywhere on my body, at times, I needed him to help me shave off the hair that was growing on my back, he did this without any complaint and would tell me how much he loved me. I was always embarrassed, but, he didn't seem fazed by it at all. He wouldn't watch me dress or undress either; he would turn away and busy himself doing something else as he knew how self-conscious I was getting. I tried weight watchers and even slim fast to lose the weight I was gaining, but, nothing helped, I was getting bigger and having to buy larger dress sizes. I put on more weight than I could shift which meant that I would go for months without having a period, so that put halt to us trying for our own child. **_

_**We gave up on that one, we knew it was never going to happen, in my shear desperation and self-hatred, I let myself go and put on so much weight I was getting the unkind comments when we were out on shouts and just as a couple. I wondered what Jeff saw in me, I was a lot bigger than I was five years ago, but, he didn't seem to mind. I was stuck in a rut with no way out. **_

_**I gave up on so many things, going out, even trying to lose the weight; I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I was depressed and low, nothing was helping me break the cycle. We even stopped going to church, I was raised a Catholic and would go to church each week. Every week I would sit in the pew with Jeff by my side and pray for a child, pray that God would help us out and give us what we wanted. He didn't answer my prayers. Why me? OK, so I have made some mistakes in my life, but, I haven't done anything wrong. I couldn't understand why God was doing this to me, to us, why didn't he care? Younger people than me were having children, even older people than me were getting pregnant, people were after benefits and appearing on Jeremy Kyle for DNA tests, they all had children and lived poorly, why was I being punished? I gave up on my faith, on God, if he truly existed, why was he doing this to me? **_

_**It all came to a head again, I wasn't coping so well with everything and Jeff knew it. We would watch our colleagues get married and knew it would only be a matter of time before they would be off on maternity leave, doing the one thing I can never do, have their own child. The week after Jeff's 42**__**nd**__** birthday was when it all happened, we had had a good time, I had taken him away for the weekend and we had arrived back at work refreshed and ready to go, well, kind of anyway. **_

'Dixie, can I have a word please?' Ally asked as she walked into the office where Dixie was completing reports and Jeff was reading the paper.

'Of course love, Jeffrey love, would you.'

'Oh, yeah, course, sorry.' Jeff replied as he went to get up but was stopped by Ally

'No, you don't need to go Jeff, it's OK. I wanted to tell you that I am pregnant; Mark and I are expecting our first baby together. I am 14 weeks gone Dix and needed to let you know.'

_**I was rooted to my seat, Ally had only been married for nine months, how could she be pregnant already when Jeff and I had been married for over five years without so much of a pregnancy? It wasn't fair, why wasn't she struggling to conceive like we were. I was full of sadness for my own situation but joy for Ally at the same time. Life is cruel and every now and again you are reminded of what you cannot do, can never do. **_

'Ally, that is great news, we are so happy for you.' Jeff replied jumping off his chair to envelope Ally in a hug.

'Thanks Jeff, it means a lot.'

'It is lovely Ally, we really are over the moon for you, how are you doing kid?' Dixie asked as she moved forward also wrapping Ally up in a hug.

'I am OK, the morning sickness is a bit of a pain, but, it will all be worth it.'

'It will indeed, trust me.' Jeff replied.

_**We discussed Ally's due date and how we would arrange so she wasn't on active duty passed her fifth month, I also contacted HR for her and set the ball rolling for her there as well. It was once she left my office that I broke down in tears, Jeff was there right away holding me close to his body; I am glad he didn't go, that he stayed. I remember asking him why Ally was able to have children but I wasn't anymore. I asked Jeff if I was a bad person, he reassured me once more and held me close. I had just got over that piece of news when we found out later in the week that Louise was pregnant as well. I didn't want to leave the house after that, I just wanted to stay away from society and all the bumps that I would meet if we went out. Someone was playing a cruel joke on me and making sure I was reminded of what I could not do. **_

_**I wasn't happy, Jeff knew it and I knew it to, our sex life had become non-existent, I couldn't remember the last time we made love, but, it hadn't been for a few months at least. I had just given up on everything, I had no energy anymore, no drive to want to do anything, I just couldn't cope anymore. **_

_**I was sent to a dietician who moaned at me all the time for not losing the weight but never helped me to shift it. The doctor even suggested I needed counselling, but, I refused. The waiting list was so long that I was sent a letter asking if I still really needed it, or could they take me off and give my place to someone else. If they couldn't be bothered, then neither could I. **_

_**It went on like this for a year at least, the never ending cycle of lose weight, gain weight, no period, depression, social isolation. I was watching my life, mine and Jeff's lives disappear in front of me, I was getting older and the longer I left it, the harder it would be to crack or come back from. What was I doing to myself? What was I doing to Jeff? Was it time to take charge of my life once more and get back to how I was, how we were? Did I have the strength to do it anymore? Did I want to do it? That was the question, did I want this change or was I going to give up when it didn't go according to plan? What would you do if you were me? **_


	4. Chapter Three

'Hello, Ambulance Service.' Jeff called as he knocked on the door.

Dixie stood behind him holding the kit, they had been called out to a house not too far from where they lived, and a young child had been injured while playing in the back garden.

'I always hate it when it is children Jeff.'

'I know babe, so do I…. Hello Love, did you call an Ambulance?' Jeff asked as a distraught mother came to the door.

'Yes, please hurry, she is in the garden, she isn't moving, I don't know what to do.'

Dixie and Jeff followed the mother through the house and into the back garden. Dixie looked around as she moved through the house, it was covered with pictures and toys, this child was extremely lucky, she imagined what her house would look like covered with toys. She shook her head that was never going to happen.

'OK sweetheart, my name is Jeff can you hear me?' Jeff was kneeling on the floor beside the young girl trying to check for a pulse and start his initial observations.

'What's her name darling?' Dixie asked the distressed mother.

'Cheyanne, her name is Cheyanne.'

'OK, Cheyanne, can you hear me sweetheart, squeeze my fingers if you can hear me.' Jeff encouraged smiling as the little girl lightly squeezed his fingers.

The pair immobilised Cheyanne's neck before placing her in the Ambulance. Jeff shut the back doors leaving Dixie in the back as he drove them towards the hospital.

'OK Cheyanne, you are doing really well, OK. I just need to ask Mummy a few questions. Can I have her date of birth please?'

'17th July 2011'

'And does she have any medical conditions we need to be aware of, any allergies or anything.'

'No, not that I am aware of.'

'And you are her mother yeah.'

'Adoptive mother yes.'

_**There was that word again, the 'A' word. I just froze when she said it and looked over at the little girl in the back of our ambulance, she was lucky to have this lady as her mother, was adoption the only way I could be a mother? Jeff and I hadn't spoken about it since his suggestion on our wedding anniversary; we had been thinking about trying for our own but had long given up on that idea. Was it something we could talk about again? Was it something we both wanted to do? **_

_**I completed the handover on auto pilot really; all I could think about was being a mum again. I don't know what it was, I have kind of pushed those thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind, accepted that it was never going to happen, but, seeing that lady with her daughter that day made me think again about what I wanted. **_

_**I spent the evening at home with Jeff, he was watching TV while I sat looking adoption up on the internet. I looked through different messaging forums to see how others dealt with it when they decided that they wanted to adopt. I logged onto Adoption UK and spent ages reading all the threads, it seemed to be a mix of positive and negative feelings, but, the overwhelming message came across that it was worth it in the end. I sat there and evaluated my life with Jeff, I looked over at him laying on the sofa under the blanket, he is a good man, kind, caring and loving, he deserves to be a father again, he will make a great daddy, I have no doubt in my mind about that. Then there is me, I managed to tip the scales at morbidly obese, I am so heavy it is embarrassing. How did I let it get like this? What sort of role model will I be to a child in this state? **_

_**It was hard to think of it again, I had spent so long coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be a mum, yet, here I was, thinking about it again. I felt that warm fuzzy glow rise from within me as I imagined what our house would be like with children playing it in, toys scattered around it, Jeff and Abs playing with them in the garden. I couldn't stop the smile that crept across my face, it was what I wanted. I waited a few more days before I spoke to Jeff about it, we went out walking the dog in the park when I decided to talk to him about it. I needed to know he felt the same way about it, if he didn't; I had no idea what I would do. Either way, I had to know. **_

Jeff let Abs off the lead chuckling as the excitable dog raced around the field. He moved to join Dixie who was sat on the bench looking out across the green. He took a moment to look at her features, no matter what she said, he loved her just the way she was.

'What you thinking then Mrs Collier?'

'Just stuff, that's all.'

'Oh dear, stuff usually means you are mulling something over, or, it is about to cost me a lot of money.' Jeff joked as he placed his arm around his wife pulling her close to his side, kissing the top of her head.

'Jeff, can I ask you something?'

'Of course you can babe.'

'Do you remember ages ago, we spoke about children and having a family together?'

'I do Dix, but, we agreed it wasn't going to happen.'

'I know Jeff, but, do you remember Cheyanne, the little girl we picked up a couple of days ago?'

'Yeah, she fell off the trampoline in her garden, I remember her, lives a few roads away from us.'

'That's the one. Well, I found something out about her and it just made me think that's all.'

'I could tell you were not yourself when you did the handover. Are you going to share Princess?'

'She was adopted and it got me thinking, you suggested adoption and I brushed it off. Jeff, I really want to be a Mum and I want to do that with you. Do you think we should look into Adoption?'

Dixie moved herself so she could look directly into Jeff's eyes as she asked the question; she really hoped he would say yes.

_**He just sat there for ages before he answered. I had well and truly caught him off guard on that one. We spoke about it a lot over the next few days, I had shown him the forums I had been looking on and he read them as well. We spoke about what changes we would need to make if we did go through with it, the main one was me and my weight, that really did have to change. I was finding it harder at work to move around and get myself into places where the patients were, Jeff would always look out for me and save me from embarrassment if he saw it coming. We agreed that Adoption was the way forward for us, all we had to do was apply. **_

'Are we really sure about this Dix?' Jeff asked as he sat at the computer in her office with Dixie by his side. They had logged on and gone to Holby Council's website searching for adoption. They had found what they were looking for and had read all the information.

'I know I am Jeff, but are you?'

'Yeah, of course I am babe, but, I am just worried about you and how you will cope with it all.'

'Jeff, we meet most of the criteria, we are married, have our own home, don't smoke, both have a full time job, the only thing that could be a problem is my weight, but, they have said they don't judge potential adopters on that.'

'Dix, Princess, you know I love you regardless, but, did you want to try losing the weight again?'

'I always seem to try but fail Jeffrey.'

'Why don't we go to the doctors and see what they can do to help?'

'What could they do Jeffrey, probably tell me to get over myself and just get on with it.'

'You don't know until you try babe. Let's speak to the doctor then we can fill this in.'

_**I know Jeff worries about me being the size I am. He gets really concerned every time I complain of chest pains or am unwell. He knows I am not happy with how I look and he tries to help me out, but, he can never say no to me. Whenever I ask him for chocolate, he goes and gets it. I do wish he was a lot harsher with me, but, I don't want him to be at the same time. He buys me my comfort food when I need it, which is most nights; he does it and says nothing. We went to the doctor after work that day, I went in on my own, I didn't want Jeff in with me. He sat patiently waiting for me to come out. I don't know what this was going to achieve, but, if it made my husband happy, I was going to do it. I was horrified when the doctor weighed me, how did I let it get that bad. He basically said he couldn't do anything for me until I had lost 5% of my weight on my own. He suggested I joined a slimming club and came back to him then. I felt embarrassed and deflated, he wasn't going to help me and why should he, I got myself in that state and only me. **_

_**I walked out and Jeff followed me, we sat on the wall outside the surgery as I told him what had happened. Jeff just held me close and said that we would work through this together, regardless. I hate myself for letting it get that bad, I still do. I never really cared what people thought about me, but, ever since I got bigger, I did. I was scared to go out for meals with Jeff because people would be looking over to see what I had and if I ate it all. It was taking over my life and I was letting it rule me. I wasn't close to Jeff anymore, I couldn't bring myself to show him my body anymore, it disgusted me. **_

_**We went home and filled in the on line enquiry form for adoption with Holby Council. They wanted to know so much about us it was unbelievable. We gave our full names, address, and the usual before we then had to talk about infertility treatment and other children. It took us over two hours to fill in the application form, but, we did it. We also had to say what age range of children we wanted to adopt and why we wanted to adopt. We felt a sense of relief when we sent the form off, all we had to do now was wait and see what happened. **_

_**A few days later, I received a phone call from a duty social worker who went through the application with me and discussed my infertility at some length, they seemed OK on the phone, but it was an odd conversation to be having with a complete stranger. They hadn't said no to us yet, so there was still a chance. **_

_**An application pack arrived in the post after that, Jeff and I read through all the information and looked at the second application form that needed filling in. We spent ages looking at the flow chart of the process wondering what would happen, but, one thing was clear, at any stage they could pull the plug on the whole thing, our last chance at having a family lay in the hands of a social worker we were yet to meet. **_

_**Don't get me wrong, we are far from control freaks, our job is unpredictable, so you just have to go with the flow, but, when it is as important as this, you can't help but feel helpless. You are no longer in control and they know it.**_

_**We filled in the second application form, it wanted to know again why we wanted to adopt, what age range we were interested in etc. We also had to fill out a Health Questionnaire and financial section. It seemed wrong that we were giving all this information out to people about our income, but, it all forms part of the assessment. There was one question on the form that annoyed me, they had obesity down in the disability section, I wrote that while I am overweight, I do not class this as a disability. Well I don't, so why is it even there? **_

_**Jeff and I had photos of ourselves taken and attached them sending the form off, I was getting quite excited by it all, but had to keep reminding myself that this was only the beginning and it may not come to anything. **_

_**While we were waiting for a reply and an invitation to the information evening, I plucked up enough courage to join a slimming club. Jeff came with me and joined with me, he didn't need to but wanted to do it to support me. If we were going to do this, we would do it together and support each other along the way. I had made the first step, a good few years after Jeff had suggested it, but, we were here now. This is only the beginning of a very long journey, was God back on my side now? **_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/ N** **– Hi all, so sorry for the length of time I have kept you waiting for an update. I am currently relishing the two hours I have to myself. For the first time in three months I am up to date on all housework and my Little One is having a nap. **

**I would like to remind you all that this is a true story, it is my story that I am telling through Dixie and Jeff, while I am trying to keep some of their characteristics in this, I am also adding mine as it is relevant to the story. A reviewer commented that they don't see Dixie as the church goer type, she isn't (well probably), I am. Religion plays a big part in my story. Thank you everyone for your patience and I hope this update is OK. Dixie's thoughts are in BOLD and ITALICS.**

'Right, where shall I go next?' Paddy asked as he looked down his handheld device and around the circle of people in front of him.

'He likes to drag this out doesn't he?' Jeff whispered to Dixie. He hated sitting through this part of Slimming World, but he did it for Dixie week in and week out. She had been committed to losing weight since they submitted their online application for adoption, he was supporting her as much as he possibly could.

'Jeff' Paddy called out earning a groan from Jeff before he looked up plastering on his best smile. 'Down a pound this week, that's 6 in total, clap for Jeff everyone.' Dixie couldn't help but snigger at Jeff which cost her a light slap on her arm. He really did hate this.

Paddy continued his questioning when the clapping had concluded, 'so how are we then? Good week?'

'Yeah not too bad, I am happy with the pound, we have been on nights this week, so it has been hard.'

'I didn't realise you worked shifts, I had better make a note of that as that can mess up your eating patterns.'

'Yeah, we both work shifts but try to eat regularly and healthily although it is hard when you are constantly being called out to shouts.'

'What do you do then?'

'We are Paramedics.' Jeff replied proudly as people nodded and smiled at the pair of them.

'Well, at least if one of us should keel over in the middle of group then we have people on hand to sort us out.' Paddy replied as half of the group started laughing.

'Did the bright fluorescent jacket not give it away then?' Jeff whispered to Dixie who sat beside him. They were on a break from work, so had turned up in their uniforms and jackets, obviously the word AMBULANCE plastered on their backs wasn't clear enough.

'Shut up Jeffrey and play nicely.'

**_I remember Jeff nodding politely, I was proud of his weight loss so far, although he wasn't. We had been going now for about 5 weeks and he had lost 6 pounds, he would have liked to have lost more, but, he was happy to do this and support me. What did I do to deserve this man as my husband? It soon came to me, my turn for the weekly ritual, I had lost 2 pounds which brought my total to 13 pounds. Jeff said for every stone I lost, he would buy me a gift, we settled on a new set of earrings each time as I seem to wear the same ones time and time again. I was gobsmacked that I won 'Slimmer of the Week', I had never got it before. I was handed the basket of fruit and healthy snacks everyone had donated, Jeff said it was a waste of time us going shopping as we seem to have been given lots of fruit. I could stash it in the Ambulance and maybe leave the fruit in the Rec room to 'promote healthy eating in the workplace'. Jeff didn't seem too keen on that idea, I wonder why? _**

**_It was the last club of the month, so we had 'Slimmer of the Month' as well. I bloody won that! I got a sticker for my book and a fridge magnet. Jeff was proud of me and gave me a massive hug and kiss as we left the group to head home. I only had one more pound before I had lost a stone. Things were getting better and on the up, had I truly turned a corner? _**

**_It had been quiet on the Adoption side, although we hadn't forgotten about it, before we knew it, the information evening had crept up and was upon us. _**

'Dix, come on babe, we need to get going?' Jeff said as he walked into the office watching Dixie signing off the paperwork and putting it all away.

'I know, I am nearly done.'

Jeff took a seat on the sofa watching Dixie as she moved about her office, he always commented on how organised she was and determined to keep on top of everything. The content of the information evening had been preying on his mind for a while, he knew it was on Dixie's mind as well. Neither knew what to expect, was it going to be busy? Would it be for them?

'What do you think it will be like tonight?' Jeff asked as he started putting Dixie's things into her bag in the hopes it would speed her up.

'I don't know Jeff. I guess they will just tell us about the process and what to expect.'

'Do you think it will be busy?'

'Honestly love, I have no idea, we will just have to wait and see.' Dixie turned to face Jeff who had put his head down, 'Jeff, are you sure you want to do this? You are not just doing it for me are you?'

'No, babe, I want to do this just as much as you do. I want us to bring up a child together, I am doing this because I want to, for us.'

**_I don't know what made me ask that question, I was going to be asking it a hell of a lot as things progressed. I didn't want Jeff to just be settling for this because I want to be a Mum, he had to be 100% happy to do this as well. I didn't want to force him into it if he didn't want to do it. I know he suggested it, but, it had been a few months since we applied, a lot can change in that space of time. _**

**_The information evening was at the Holby Civic Centre, it was like a rabbit warren, so many corridors to walk down to get to the room. When we walked in, it was busy, and I mean busy, I think I counted at least other couples of varying ages, sizes and ethnicity. It was all kind of daunting. Jeff registered us and made us a drink while we looked through the pack we had been given. We were not waiting long before the Social Workers started. _**

**_I didn't know what to expect but I wasn't quite expecting to hear what I did. They were very honest about what could hinder the process, smokers were told to quit, heavy drinkers were told to quit and if you were overweight, while it wasn't a problem, they encouraged you to lose it. They spoke about the process, my God it seemed long and drawn out before showing us profiles of children that are in care. _**

**_I always considered myself to have had a good childhood, I was cared for and loved as well as encouraged to be the best I could be, Jeff had a good childhood although he didn't get on well with his dad sometimes, but, he wasn't abused, not like some of these poor souls. How can anyone sexually abuse a 16 month old baby? Physically neglect a 10 month old? Emotionally abuse a 3 year old? It made me sad that there were children who had only been alive a matter of months had experienced some horrific things that I could only dream of. Then you had the children who were suffering with the effects of drug and alcohol abuse, the ones who were snatched in the middle of the night by the Police. It was heart-breaking, it really was. _**

**_It all kind of went over my head in that respects, I was just dumbstruck. I felt an overwhelming urge to protect them all, to help them all, and to be their mummy. _**

**_We heard from an Adopter who spoke about her three boys before we were given a form to fill in and send back. I knew that the children in care had history, but, this was something else completely? Could I see myself telling my child in years to come what had happened to them and why they were adopted? _**

'It was a lot to take in wasn't it Dix?' Jeff said as he started the drive home.

'You could say that again Jeffrey. It is horrible what those poor children have gone through, and so young as well, how can any parent do that?'

'Beats me Dix, but, unfortunately, there are people out there like that.'

Dixie sighed as she rested her head against the window of the car, 'still, it was good to hear from an actual adopter though wasn't it? She seemed to really enjoy it and went through the process quickly, there is hope for us yet Jeff.'

'I don't think we could adopt three at one time though Dix.'

'I am not saying that, I am just saying that it was good to hear her perspective on it and not just the Social Workers.'

'Oh no, absolutely.'

'So, what shall we do now?'

'In what sense babe?'

'Well, we can either say, it isn't for us at the moment, ask for a meeting with a Social Worker, or ask about Fostering instead.'

'I am certain we should meet with a Worker, I want to go forward but only if you do?'

**_Of course I did, the meeting made me more determined to do this, to be a mum to a child who had suffered, to help that child grow and develop. We filled in the form and requested a meeting with a Social Worker, it is still hard to think back on it all, still hard to think that this one person we were yet to meet held the puppet strings. The thing about Adoption is that you are not in control, I am used to being in control of my life, well, most of it anyway, I am in control at work and I know what I want, the thought of passing this onto some complete stranger was messing with my head. Could I do it? Could I let a complete stranger come into our home, our lives and air our laundry out in public? The answer… if I want to be a mum then yes. _**

It was a quiet evening in the Collier household, it had been three weeks since the Information Evening and since the form had been sent off and still nothing. Jeff and Dixie were huddled up together on the sofa watching a movie when the phone rang. Dixie uncurled herself from Jeff's arms before heading off in search of the handset.

'Where did you put the bloody thing?'

'Kitchen.' Jeff called as he located the remote and hit pause.

Dixie found the phone before it rang off, answering it quickly.

'Hello'

'Hello am I speaking to Mrs Collier?'

'You are yes.'

'Hello, my name is Annabelle Southgate and I am an Adoption Social Worker for Holby City Council. I believe yourself and Mr Collier have attended an Information Evening on Adoption and would like to discuss this further.'

'Yes we did.'

'Are you available on Wednesday 25th September at 5pm for a meeting?'

Dixie quickly scanned the calendar, they were working that day but finished at four, it was cutting it fine, but, they could do it.

'Um, yes, we finish work at 4, so should be home by 5.'

'We could make it 5.30 if that gives you more time.'

'That would be lovely thank you.'

'Good, see you then. Goodbye.'

'Thanks, bye.'

**_Annabelle Southgate, she would be the person who would decide our future, decide if we would make good parents. This was really happening now. I told Jeff what was going on and he was happy. We talked about what the meeting would be like, what she would be like, the truth is, neither of us knew just how intense that meeting was going to be and how we would feel about Ms Southgate. _**

**_I prayed each day for the week that the meeting would go well, that she would support us. Was I prepared for the questioning that came with the meeting? Was anyone? I looked at the flow chart of the process that we had stuck on the fridge marking off what we had done: _**

**_1. Initial Enquiry – DONE _**

**_2. Information Evening – DONE _**

**_3. Second Application Form – DONE _**

**_4. Initial Interview – IN PROGRESS_**

**_We still had a way to go, this was only the tip of the iceberg. I spent the rest of the week tidying, cleaning and rearranging everything before the Social Worker came to visit, I wanted to create a good impression. I hope I had, well, we had done enough._**


End file.
